date: Friday, April 08, 2005 @ 12:54 am
title: Deprived..
Now and then.
I can't stop and think about what people have incited inside of me. The subjects that they have brought up makes me feel quite inferior sometimes. Emotionally, I feel stressed. It's personal and also got to do with my personality, which not many people know.
At moments, people's expectation can be so perfection-orientated that disappointment is what they received. And myself is one of the victims. Perfection is what I have sought for years, desperately seeking and looking for.
Eugene O'Neill. The playwright of the Long Day's Journey into Night.
Both of us suffered the same agony that's unusual to our (then) modern society. Just that, the only difference is that I allowed divine intervention in mine, but not his.
'Deprived' is the most suitable word to summarize our crossroads.
Language. Love. Acceptance. Opportunity. Friends. Home. Hope.
For 10 years of childhood and 4 years of teenhood. I was deprived of all these.
Always. I hate to tell people about my past. Not that, it's personal. But it's pain-staking and will cause me to have emotional breakdown.
O'Neill too.
The dragon year that I was born. My mum's grandmum died. And the only memory of her is the photographs that are framed and pinned along the wall @ my cousin's place.
Even so, the moments that I made my granddad proud were the time, he watched me riding his bicycle and he said nothing, but gave me a pat on my shoulder proudly and awarded me with his 'hidden' goodies in his room. We never really communicate much, for I was dialect-barren and my parents refused to teach me. On the other hand, my cousins could easily start a conversation with him. One day, he left all too sudden and was gone forever. And at his deathbed, I so wanted to tell him how much he meant to me but I couldn't. This regret remains in me until now. I so hate myself.
Life can be quite unfair sometimes..
People complain, murmur and whine.
But in the end, they have no choice but to embrace the given situtation, poise themselves up and continue. Even to the extreme of starting from square one all over again, from the beginning.
Today. I finally understood, 'perfection is impossible, but strive to be perfect is.'
Noone is perfect. Because there's people like you and I. Zero.
But everyone can be perfect. Because there's people like you and I.
Perfection is the nature of God as well. We are 'created in the perfect image of God.' That's what the bible says in the beginning and we cannot escape the reality that Man (as in Adam) sinned and he fell from God's grace. Back to square one with the only difference - the knowledge of Good and Evil was imparted to all men with the price of losing the strong bond between Man and God.
I wonder..
Why I could do well for the rest of my O's subjects but got a C5 for English?
Was it me to be blame or there's divine intervention?
For that, I am and will be uncertain of. Of which, I dun want to investigate upon.
On the other hand, wanting to attain perfection is the flaw of all man.
I, too want perfection. I wanted a perfect life, perfect family, perfect world. But noone can be perfect if the world is, or is it? Maybe we are all depreived from it. Just that to what extent or degree we are and what time and space were we deprived of, all these, of which I strongly believe assist to mature our character and to wake us up from our belief of perfection.
Perfect homo sapiens.
No DNA is flawless, except for one person I know - Jesus' DNA. He is perfect because he was lived 33 years of imperfection. Born to be sentenced to be killed by a king, resulting many infants killed in His name. Parents had to run away because they were his parents. Tempted by Devil directly. Hated by man. Deserted by His 12 trustees with one even betrayed Him with a kiss. Ignored by man even though all had been prophsied before. And died terribly in his short life of 33 years.
Antonyms of deprive:
Endow. Give. Enrich. Invest. Herit.
I just realised that..
my current class too, is deprived from one thing - the sweet moments with the previous classmates and friends. So I think I'm not the only one with this. I'm not alone. Isn't it great? Noone is perfect.
Restless prophet feels better.
Time to call it a night.
By the way..
Should I join Speaker's Club or get involve in
the Grandest Election of the year or something else for my CCA?
Time is not on my side.
